Explosive Christmas
by hello desperado
Summary: The SSX Tricky boarders must give presents to their enemies! But while most of them resort to giving rude and unthoughtful gifts, one enemy pair decides to show the others the true meaning of the holiday season.


Remember, I don't own any of the characters in SSX Tricky. That'd be EA, got it? Let's begin. And I know this will never be as good as "The Twelve Racers Of SSX".  
  
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EXPLOSIVE CHRISTMAS  
  
The twelve SSX Tricky boarders are in a room, along with Rahzel. They are all seated in chairs and Rahzel is standing in front of them, smiling. Rahzel has a clipboard in his hands, and he is looking at all of the boarders one by one and giving them different looks. He smiles at most of them, but in an evil sort of way. The racers immediately sense that Rahzel is up to something bizarre, once again.  
  
Rahzel: "I've noticed that there seems to be a lack of unity between all of you. This is a problem."  
  
Elise: "There's no problem! The only problem is that Marisol is still here. Beats me why she still is..."  
  
Marisol: (glares at Elise) "I heard that, chica!"  
  
Rahzel: (sighs) "Exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, Christmas is approaching, as you all are aware."  
  
Seeiah: "Oh great, another lameass idea from the fabolous Rahzel. This should be fascinating. Wake me up when he's done." (falls asleep instantly and into Marisol's lap)  
  
Razhel: "I'll deal with her later. This idea is not bad, either. I've noticed that all of you have an enemy. Some of you, like JP and Psymon, have more than one."  
  
Psymon: (shakes his fist) "You take that back! I'll shove this fist so far down your throat-"  
  
Zoe: (pulls Psymon's fist down) "Psymon, that's enough. Rahzel, cut the bullshit and just tell us what's going on."  
  
Rahzel: (agitated) "Alright! Well, myself and the rest of the circuit staff have paired you up with your enemy and you, simply put, will have to buy your enemy something for Christmas."  
  
Everyone's face drops (except for Seeiah, who is now snoring), and they all stare at Rahzel.  
  
Psymon: "What if we don't WANT to buy something? Whatcha gonna do?"  
  
Moby: (nods in agreement) "Yeah mate, are we being forced?"  
  
Razhel: "Well, you don't HAVE to buy something for your enemy..."  
  
Elise: (confused) "Well then what the hell is the point of this?!"  
  
Rahzel: "You only have to buy something if you'd like to remain in the series. If you don't, you'll be thrown out, on Christmas. Nice present, huh?"  
  
Mac: "Dude, that's whack! Yo, Christmas is usually so phat. Now it's messed!"  
  
Zoe: "Rahzel, this blows. I don't even want to know who you think my enemy is."  
  
Rahzel: (smiles, glad to be in power) "Well Zoe, we'll just have to find out! Let's start with you, then. You and JP will be giving each other presents!"  
  
JP: "Hahaha. Funny joke. Why don't you be slightly more professional, eh?"  
  
Zoe: (glares at JP) "He's not joking, dickface. Deal with it, I'm not incredibly pleased with the situation either."  
  
JP: (pouts and folds his arms) "Fine. Continue, Rahzel. I want to watch the rest get paired with their greatest misery, also."  
  
Rahzel: "I was going to continue even without your permission. Anyway, Moby and Mac, you two will be buying each other gifts."  
  
Moby: (groans) "Stupid little git! I can't believe this bullox!"  
  
Mac: "Yo, you think I'm happy to be buyin' for an old man? Man, this is NOT phat."  
  
Rahzel: "You'll be fine, Mac. Oh yeah! I almost forgot. Two of you are enemies with someone, but not enemies enough with that person. Somebody else hates them more. So the two of you will not have to participate in this little activity at all. Brodi and Eddie, you two don't have to do this at all! Instead, you have to buy ME presents. All for Rahzel! Hahaha."  
  
Eddie: (raises his eyebrows) "Like, okay, man. It's all groovy!"  
  
Brodi: "I agree. Rahzel, I will make sure that I give you a gift that makes sure you are filled with karma for years to come."  
  
Elise: "What kind of lame fucking present would that be?"  
  
Brodi: (winks at Elise) "You will just have to wait and see."  
  
Rahzel: (grabs his clipboard and eyes the list, then looking up and grinning widely.) "Our next lovely little duo- Elise and Marisol!"  
  
Marisol: "Pfft. REAL surprising. I couldn't figure that one out from miles away, chico. Wow, that's gotta be the most shocking thing that I've ever-"  
  
Elise: (leans forward) "You dumb Latino bitch, shut up! I already have to buy you some sort of present, and now you're being annoying, as usual. This is going to be a wonderful holiday season..."  
  
Eddie: "At least, like, you don't have to buy Rahzel something!"  
  
Elise: "I'd take Rahzel any day over that dumb slut." (sticks her tongue out at Marisol)  
  
Rahzel: (glances at his clipboard) "Seeiah and Luther! Congratulations."  
  
Seeiah: (wakes up instantly from Marisol's lap) "What?! Who said my name? Whoo! I rule!"  
  
Luther: "Ya hafta buy a gift for me, babaay. Make it a good one too, bitch."  
  
Seeiah: "Aww shit! Man, fuck this! I'm outta here!" (tries to get up, but Marisol stops her)  
  
Rahzel: (still feeling quite powerful) "And last, but not least...Kaori and Psymon! I can only imagine what you two idiots will have planned for each other."  
  
Psymon: "DAMMIT! I have to waste some of my precious, stolen money on that little twerp! This sucks! She sucks! Rahzel sucks! Seeiah, you suck, too."  
  
Seeiah: (nods, everyone is confused) "Boy you know how I do!"  
  
Kaori: "Psymon-cun could hurt me though! I not feel safe, Rahzel. Change it!"  
  
Mac: (agrees with Kaori) "Yo, yeah. Switch it up oldschool, dawg! Forreal."  
  
Rahzel: (starts walking out the door) "Sorry, I can't hear you! Christmas is in two days, your presents must be ready by then! If they're not, you know what happens..." (leaves the room, laughing)  
  
There is silence for a minute after Rahzel leaves.  
  
Zoe: "So...we all going to go through with this?"  
  
Kaori: (frowns) "Not like we have a choice, Zoe-cun."  
  
Elise: "Team unity my ass! This is just something for Rahzel to laugh at. Eddie and Brodi, you better give him the worst presents EVER."  
  
Luther: "That little dang pansy stuck me with baldy over there."  
  
Seeiah: (waves) "You wanna say that one more time, fatass? I'll fuck you up!"  
  
Mac: (puts his hand on his chin) "Olschool or newschool?"  
  
Seeiah: "Hmm...I don't know! Wanna find out, white boy?!"  
  
Moby: "All of you just shut it! I've had enough of this, goodnight all." (Moby walks out of the room, with Zoe joining him.)  
  
The room is silent for another minute. Soon after, Brodi, Luther, JP, Marisol and Seeiah get up and leave.  
  
Elise: "So Psymon, what are you thinking about getting Kaori?" (Kaori winces nervously)  
  
Psymon: "Actually, I don't know! I'm sure it'll be EXPLOSIVE! Hahaha!" (runs out of the room, laughing the whole way to the elevator.)  
  
Elise: (sees Kaori is a bit shaken up) "I'm sorry about that, Kaori. Not my fault he's a psychotic jackass."  
  
Kaori: (smiles weakly) "It's alright, Elise-cun. I'm going to go now. Come, Mac, let's go." (Mac follows her out of the room)  
  
Elise: "Why are we always the last two left? Geez, everyone's so damn predictable!"  
  
Eddie: (nods) "Yeah, like, yeah. I totally, like, agree. Let's hit the road, babe, find some good presents. Yours for Marisol, mine for...Rahzel." (Elise nods and they both leave the room.)  
  
_________________________________________  
  
The next day, Christmas Eve, all of the boarders (except for Marisol, Psymon and Luther, who are all still sleeping) rush out to do the shopping early in the day. Seeiah left Marisol behind and JP left Luther behind, wanting to get their shopping over with. All of the 9 that were awake left at the same exact time, but Seeiah returned only five minutes later. After practically everbody except for Kaori and Mac had arrived, the three that were asleep were woken up and headed out right away. They all came back gradually right before noon, but Kaori and Mac didn't return until later that afternoon. They weren't even tired though.  
  
Psymon: (sees Mac and Kaori just returning) "Man, where the hell where they? Makin' out?!"  
  
Zoe: "Yeah, probably. No! They weren't. Besides, it's none of our damn business anyway, Psymon. Don't bother them about it either."  
  
Moby: "So, Zoe, what'd you buy for JP? He's so spoiled he probably doesn't even need anything, mate!"  
  
Psymon: (laughs) "I'm actually going to agree with him on this one."  
  
Zoe: (smiles, clutches her bag close to her) "Come on you guys, it's a surprise! Moby, what'd you get Mac? What about you, Psymon?"  
  
Moby: "Um, it's a surprise. Ha!"  
  
Psymon: "Mine's an EXPLOSIVE surprise!"  
  
Seeiah: (overhears their conversation) "What? Someone jackin' my style?"  
  
Moby: "Seeiah, what are you talking about, mate?"  
  
Seeiah: (scratches her bald head) "Oh...nothin'. Y'all buy some cool shit?"  
  
Marisol: "Obviously they did, chica. They don't have to buy for someone like Elise." (shudders at the thought of Elise)  
  
Zoe: "Elise really isn't that bad. What'd you get her?"  
  
Marisol: "Oh, well I got her this- hey! Zoe, you tried to trick me, chica! Man, I am one DUMB little shit!"  
  
Seeiah: (nods) "Yeah, I'ma agree with that. Psymon, you get something cute and cuddly for Kaori? She likes that kinda stuff, in case you didn't notice. Whoo! I rule!"  
  
Psymon: (gets right in Seeiah's face) "NO!"  
  
Seeiah: (uses her hand as a fan and grimaces) "Man, that breath is whack! I have some mints in my room if you want, I should hook you up! Dayum, and there's no reason to get all up in my face like that! Would you treat your mama like that, I don't think so. You should REALLY start being more-"  
  
Luther: (emerges from behind the group, mullet flapping) "Woman shut your trap! I've heard enough of your silly talk! Jesus Christ man."  
  
Marisol: (rolls her eyes) "Luther, go away. No one likes you, chico."  
  
Elise: (struts over to the group) "I wouldn't say that if I were you, Marisol. I spent money on your slutty ass, why don't you give Luther some respect? Or is that beyond your comprehension? No comprendo?"  
  
Zoe: "Stop it! This was a friendly little conversation before some of you idiots got involved. Ugh, Rahzel was right! We really have no team unity, and I think it's about time we got some."  
  
Moby: (nods with Zoe) "She's right, you know. We've got to band together. It's the only way this can work, mates. Let's just give it a try, ok?"  
  
The group looks down at the floor, as the others (Mac, Kaori, JP, Brodi and Eddie) all join them.  
  
Zoe: "Nevermind, forget all that shit I just said! Frenchy, why are you here? Shouldn't you be hitting on some girls, some guys, whatever it is you do."  
  
Moby: (sees Mac and groans) "Ugh, what are you doing here, you stupid little git?!"  
  
Psymon: "GREAT! It's that dumb little Japanese crybaby! The last person I wanted to see. Screw this!" (Psymon pushes Kaori out of his way and stomps out of the room.)  
  
All of the boarders left (besides Kaori, Eddie and Brodi) start fighting with each other until all of the boarders are gone except for those three.  
  
Kaori: "I hate Psymon-cun! He's so mean!"  
  
Brodi: (nods sympathetically) "I understand, Kaori. I respect how you handle him. Even though he's such a jerk, you still treat him with kindness. You're a good person. He's not. But don't worry, his karma will run out soon.  
  
Eddie: (shrugs) "Yeah, like, what he said! What'd you get for him anyways?"  
  
Kaori: "Something good...but I should return it." (frowns)  
  
Brodi: "Was it expensive?"  
  
Kaori: (still frowning, nods) "Yeah."  
  
Eddie: "No, don't, like, return it. It'll just show that you're the bigger person. And that's totally groovy!"  
  
Kaori: (smiles) "Thanks Eddie and Brodi-cun."  
  
_________________________________________  
  
It's 10:00am on Christmas Day. All of the boarders' gifts have been placed underneath a very well-decorated and large tree. They sit around the tree, in pairs of two, next to their enemy. A few minutes later, Rahzel enters, with a big grin on his face once again.  
  
Rahzel: "Well, I'm glad everyone decided to show up! But, the more important question. All of you purchased something for your enemy and Brodi and Eddie bought something for ME, right?"  
  
All of the boarders look away and nod.  
  
Rahzel: "GREAT! So, who wants to go first?"  
  
None of the boarders volunteer.  
  
Rahzel: (taps his foot) "Am I going to have to choose?"  
  
Seeiah: "It looks that way."  
  
Elise: "Yeah, no way in hell I'm volunteering."  
  
Rahzel: "Fine! Brodi and Eddie, let's see what you got for me. It better be something good! Just kidding. I'll be happy with anything you got me."  
  
Eddie and Brodi both get up and pick up their presents from the tree, handing them to Rahzel.  
  
Rahzel: "Thanks guys! Okay Brodi, let's see what you got me...oh my! It's a book...about Buddhism? Well, thank you Brodi."  
  
Brodi: (smiles) "Your welcome. You're going to need a lot of good karma after this ordeal is over, bro." (some of the others laugh and nod)  
  
Rahzel: (picks up Eddie's present) "Well, let's see what Eddie and his afro picked out for me, the great Rahzel. Oh, another book. You're Not As Cool As You Think: 10 Steps To Realize The Loser You Actually Are. Wow, thanks Eddie, I think."  
  
Eddie: "Haha, like, your welcome. I think Step #7 has some very important info. Read up!"  
  
Rahzel: (throws the book on the floor) "Next up, I'm going to choose Zoe and JP! Time to exchange those presents of yours."  
  
Zoe and JP both get their presents from under the tree and give them to each other, avoiding eye contact.  
  
Zoe: (begins unwrapping) "Okay, I'll go first. Let's see what kind of magical gift the rich Frenchman decided to buy me. Oh, look, it's makeup! JP, you didn't buy this, isn't this your own?!" (laughs)  
  
JP: (glares) "No, it's for you to wear instead of that awful face paint you like. This way you'll look like slightly less of a jackass, oui! I know, it's the most amazing present you've ever recieved, you don't have to thank me."  
  
Zoe: "Good, because I wasn't going to. Now open my present, you asshole."  
  
JP: (rips apart the wrapping) "Hmm...Girls Gone Wild? This is a little too unclassy for my standards. But I know it's the best that your little amount of money can buy."  
  
Zoe: (rolls her eyes) "No, JP, not because of that. There are lots of horny, naked, young women on here. If you're really the suave ladies' man you proclaim you are, you'll watch it and get horny as hell. But, if you're not into the ladies, I guess we'll all finally find out. Don't just throw it out either, dickface."  
  
The two of them both sneer at each other and take their seats.  
  
Rahzel: (puts Eddie's book down that he was reading) "Um, oh yeah! Seeiah and Luther, you two are up next. Go right ahead."  
  
Seeiah and Luther both grab their presents and shove them to each other.  
  
Luther: "You wanna open these at the same time, woman?"  
  
Seeiah: (shakes her present) "Yeah, sure. Let's do this thing. Whoo! I rule!"  
  
The two of them both rip open their presents and throw the wrapping at each other.  
  
Luther: "You got me a paper bag!"  
  
Seeiah: "So did you! What the fuck, this one don't have no eyeholes! That's whack."  
  
Luther: (puts the paper bag on) "Hey, this is snug. WAIT! Are you saying I'm uglaay?"  
  
Seeiah: (shrugs) "Yeah, pretty much. HEY! You sayin' I'm ugly too?"  
  
Luther: "I'm not, the mirror is, bitch!"  
  
The two of them crumple up the paper bags and throw them at the other boarders. Then they sit down.  
  
Elise: "What the hell just happened?"  
  
Razhel: (laughs) "Well, basically, as you may have noticed, Luther and Seeiah are amazingly unattractive. So they got each other paper bags so that the world could be spared to look at their incredibly ugly faces. Got it?"  
  
Elise: (gives a thumbs-up) "Yep, got it! Yeah, they are pretty ugly."  
  
Luther and Seeiah both lean forward, glaring at Elise.  
  
Rahzel: "Alright! So who wants to go next? How about Elise and Marisol! Sounds good to me. Does that sound good to you, Zoe?"  
  
Zoe: (picks at her nails) "To be honest, I really don't give a shit."  
  
Marisol and Elise reluctantly get their presents and give them to each other.  
  
Elise: (tears open her present) "What have we got here! Oh my god, they're all pictures of YOU! This whole damn photo album just has pictures of you in dumb poses. This has got to be the stupidest thing possible."  
  
Marisol: "You know you like it!"  
  
Elise: "Did you not just hear what I said, you dumb whore? I hate it almost as much as I hate you. Now open mine."  
  
Marisol: (opens her present delicately) "Food stamps? Elise, that's so nice of you to give away your precious food stamps to me, but I really don't need them, chica!"  
  
Elise: (lowers her eyebrows) "No, when the circuit is over, you'll be needing those. Trust me. Unless you can get a job smuggling some illegal shit from South America or something. You can split those food stamps with Seeiah too."  
  
Seeiah: "Where did you even get those?!"  
  
Elise: "Your grandma."  
  
Seeiah: "No you didn't! Big Gram AND Lil' Gram are both dead!"  
  
Elise: (shrugs) "Whatever."  
  
Both of them sit down and turn away from each other.  
  
Rahzel: (looking extremely pleased) "Mac and Moby, you two can be the next ones! Let's see what you got each other."  
  
Moby and Mac both grabbed their presents from under the large tree and handed them to each other.  
  
Mac: (rips his wrapping to shreds) "Yo, this better be phat!"  
  
Moby: "And I'd be SO disappointed if I let you down, you little git. Give me a break, mate."  
  
Mac: "What are these? Are these platform shoes, yo?!" (looks up at Moby angrily)  
  
Moby: (grins and chuckles) "Yes they are, mate! Every time I'm done talking with you, my neck begins to ache because I have to look so far down the entire time. This will change that, huh?"  
  
Zoe: (stands up and claps) "Go Moby! That present is kickass!"  
  
Mac: "Fine, well open mine, old man! Mine's WAY better!"  
  
Moby: (still grinning, slowly opens his gift) "These are dentures. Oh, I get it, mate, it's because you think I'm an old man. Good effort, but you fell SHORT, like always!" (laughs, and so does Zoe)  
  
Mac: (his face turns red) "GRR! I'm gonna give you a-"  
  
Rahzel: "None of that, Mac! You guys sit down, let's get to the final pair of two."  
  
Moby and Mac both take their seats and sit there quietly.  
  
Psymon: "Alright dude, let's go! This should be EXPLOSIVE!"  
  
Kaori: (nervously walks over to the tree and gets her present) "Here you go, Psymon-cun."  
  
Psymon: (hands Kaori her present) "Thanks, ya little twerp! Now here's yours."  
  
Kaori: "Um, Psymon-cun, you open yours first." (giggles nervously)  
  
Psymon: "Alrighty! Let's see what we got here! WHOA!"  
  
The group takes a second to stare at Psymon's gift, then they all smile.  
  
Kaori: (shuffles her feet) "It cost all the money I have."  
  
Psymon: "Wow, this is the best kind of choker necklace money can buy! I don't know what to say, you little twerp...thanks." (smiles at Kaori)  
  
Kaori: (smiles back) "Your welcome, Psymon-cun. Merry Christmas."  
  
Psymon: "You too, Kaori...why don't you give mine a try?"  
  
Kaori: (picks up her present and unwraps it) "Ok, I can do that."  
  
The group sees the present and gasps in shock.  
  
Eddie: "Like, that's a bomb!"  
  
Rahzel: (angry, but frightened) "Psymon! What the hell were you thinking?!"  
  
Psymon: (smiles) "Calm down, people. It's not a REAL bomb."  
  
Kaori: (breathes a sigh of relief) "Oh, phew! What's in it, Psymon-cun?"  
  
Psymon: "Open the top and find out."  
  
Some of the others wince and turn away, as Kaori delicately twists the top of the 'bomb' off.  
  
Kaori: (gasps in shock, her eyes light up happily) "They're beautiful earrings! They're diamond earrings! Oh, Psymon-cun, thank you so much!"  
  
Kaori hugs Psymon and after a moment of hesitation, Psymon hugs her back.  
  
Rahzel: (smiles at that sight) "See guys, that was why I did this. I knew at least two of you would be mature enough to do this type of thing. And surprisingly, it was these two."  
  
Elise: (groans) "Marisol, we could've done that! It's all your fault, you dumb bitch!"  
  
Marisol: "No it's not! It's your fault! You gave me a worse present then I gave you."  
  
Seeiah: (laughs) "Well, me and Luther got each other the same thing. Isn't that right, you dumb and ugly fatass?"  
  
Luther: (flaps his mullet back) "What'd you call me? Oh yeah, that's right."  
  
Moby: (shrugs) "At least I put some thought into my gift."  
  
Mac: "So did I!"  
  
Rahzel: (shakes his head) "It doesn't matter now. None of you guys stepped up and it's too late to change that."  
  
Kaori: "Thank you Psymon...these earrings are very nice." (models her earrings for the group)  
  
Psymon: "No, thank you, Kaori! You're not that bad, I just like teasin' ya. You'll always be my favorite little spoiled Japanese twerp." (smiles his crazy smile to Kaori)  
  
Kaori: "Merry Christmas everyone!"  
  
Marisol: "You too, chica. You deserve it."  
  
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Thanks for reading and happy holidays! Please read & review. 


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